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December: Passing
Death comes for us all. It is not always as easy or gentle as we would want, for ourselves or for others. Sometimes it is a struggle, as birth is. But that isn't necessarily bad.
Grief? Yeah. Maybe. Maybe you'll grieve after you recover a bit. Because now that the end has come, you no longer have the last jolt of adrenaline. It was – you were – all used up.
And in some ways, there's something worse: how you defined yourself is now over. Who are you now? You're not the person you were when you started care-giving. And you're not a care-giver. Maybe you have a job, a life, that you can try and return to. But is that still you? Is that still the job, or the life, that you want?
You think about that. In the meantime, there are still details to be seen to. And sleep to catch up on. You're not surprised by the death of your loved one – hardly. But it is still very disorienting, a constant sense that you have forgotten something important, or left part of yourself at the last fork in the road. Perhaps the best part of yourself.
I was “on call” with Martha Sr her last night. Actually, both Martha Jr and I had been with her almost constantly for the last couple of days, each of us taking an hour here and there to go nap. We knew the end was close, and what the likely pattern of breathing would be which would precede death.
I was afraid, as I sat with Martha Sr those last hours. No, not of her dying. I had never been with someone when they died, but we were well prepared by the hospice people. I was afraid that I wouldn't recognize the end in time, and that Martha Jr would not be there.
Martha Jr had just gone up for a nap maybe 45 minutes previously, when all of a sudden I knew it was time. I got her, apologizing for waking her so soon. She came downstairs and held her mom as Martha Sr passed.
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